Finding a Way to Stand Again

The last six weeks has been pretty difficult. I realized, more than ever, that I needed to reach deep inside me to deal with some personal issues that have been plaguing my life for a long time. I retreated from the social venues I was going to in order to focus on myself. The good news is I successfully began working them out and now I'm on the road to feeling better. Tonight represents the first time I'm going back out socially with some of the people I felt awkward around. I helped make it that way, though, by being really quiet and withdrawn, and I will rectify the problem.

Work has been getting easier. I like my job a lot. I think it'll get better as I get settled in, but I can tell already it's a 1000% improvement over my previous job. I am glad and feel fortunate to work there.

I've found someone I like a lot. We went out once and we plan on going out again next weekend. We will see how it goes. All I can do is keep trying to take better care of myself. If I do that, the rest will take care of itself.

Yesterday, I found a new place to live and I'm thrilled. I should be moving there in a little under 3 months. It's a major upgrade over where I am. At the very least, it's a little more removed from college students. Always a plus.

The one thing that bothers me, though, is my sense of self. Two years ago, I lost a lot of friends because I was too proud. I was overconfident and I was unable to balance myself out. I can feel some of those same tendencies beginning to take over. I'm fighting to temper them and keep myself on a straight and narrow path. I need to, or risk losing what I've built so far. I will make sure I don't.

Well, that's all for now. See you in a month.

Thankful

Now that it has been a little time since I started my new job, I've had a chance to reflect on the still-changing mosaic of my life. I feel like I'm beginning to put the difficult times of the past year behind me. I am now almost recovered from my surgery. One nasty scar on my tailbone/ buttocks, 3-4 doctors, a lot of worrying, and a lot of tried patience later, I think I'm close to ending this chapter of my life.

It hasn't all been pleasant, though. A couple of weeks after leaving my old job, I had an emotional breakdown over a weekend. I had been keeping so many feelings locked away. It hurt to experience what I'd been putting aside. A lot of sadness, mostly. I felt used by people, and that hurt a lot.

The good news, though, is I've realized more and more what kind of person I am. My friend Chris told me I'm a really great person before he left to return to Philadelphia. I was so stunned it was one of the last things he told me, I still remember it. As I have begun getting out socially and starting to have a life again, I've realized that he was right. I have something to contribute. I will make sure, though, to be thankful of what I have and not take it for granted. I have a feeling that won't be a problem, though.

It's been an amazing year so far. I think this year has some other great things in store for me. Life is 90% positioning, 10% execution, and I got a feeling I'm getting into position for something truly great to happen. I'll just have to wait and see what it is. For now, I will be happy with the way life is now and smile and embrace it.

I did

I said "I will," when I was searching for new employment and hoping that my last set of interviews with another government agency would yield fruit and a job offer. The good news, I am happy to report, is I did. I got the offer and I am going to be starting very shortly. I am thrilled at the opportunity to leave what has been a difficult and unstable work environment for a full-time, permanent position with benefits. I personally believe that no one should ever lower their standards. This does result in some difficult times and some difficult situations, but it also means that I end up happy.

Now, life can finally settle in. I still may require to have another surgery, but we will just wait and see on that. I am not sure what is going to happen there. I seem to be doing better and time will only tell there. I am beginning to search for a new place to live, so I will hopefully move into something that is in better line with what a young professional should be living in. I also have plans to upgrade my wardrobe, because I'm going to need some nicer attire for my new job. Not to say my current stuff is bad or inappropriate, but I have to go from business casual up to a shirt and tie/ business attire. Not a huge woe, but will cost something nonetheless.

Now I also hope to find someone nice. The one woman I was really hoping to meet has stopped responding, so it is time to move on. I'm excited for where my life is going now. I've managed to steer it back on track and I hope to keep it that way.

Experience

I've thought a lot about what experience means these days. Every job I apply for, there's this component of experience that they want. It's usually too high for what I have, which is a little over a year's experience. The truth is, I think I am capable of doing any job I'm placed in, experience or not.

But maybe more importantly, I've learned via experience that it is something you find as you go along and it needs to be turned into good things. I've had some pretty high highs the last two years- I had good friends, just graduated with my Master's, etc. I also have had some pretty big lows, such as my surgery and burning all those bridges with my friends.

But now that the new year is here, and I am on the cusp of knowing some big things, I wonder how things will change. I plan on doing more socially because I've been a hermit too long. I plan on finding an awesome chick because I haven't tried very hard.

Maybe most importantly, my experience has taught me I should value the things I have and take care to preserve them. I think I have learned that the most.

Resilience

What is resilience?

As I sit home on Christmas Day with the family, I have forced myself to try and de-stress from everything going on. Searching for new employment. Anxiously awaiting a girl to settle in in Columbus so we can meet. Trying to heal from a surgery that was nine months ago. There is some good with the bad, but it is very stressful

I came home Friday night completely exhausted. I ached all over. I was congested. Tired. And I developed some sort of massive sore near my incision which thankfully two days is significantly healed, but still painful. I may be able to sit in a soft chair again,.but not without discomfort.

I feel quite exhausted. When trying to get ready for some of my hockey games this past season, I wondered how I would get through them. I love playing hockey so much. I feel eternally stressed and I feel like every time I take a step forward, I expect to go two steps back. I'm trying to do too much. I want too much in life. I have very high standards.

So, when I sit and think about everything, which I try as hard as I can not to, I remind myself I must stand taller than the rest. Progress has been made and my instincts tell me the dam is about to break. All I need to do is push just a little harder. Give it one more massive heave and all the awesome things I want will come into place.

That is what resilience is. It is about finding the strength to make that push. I have been living under a lot of stress since August. Through it all, though, I have found a way to say "I will." I will find new employment. I will find a woman who makes me very happy. I will finally put this surgery behind me. I will punch a hole so big in that dam that I will leave the people around me amazed.

That is the very definition of resilience- saying "I will" when all you want to say is "I can't."

I will.

Would you stop for a second?

I went out with her a few nights ago. It was just a dinner meet up, but I was using it as an opportunity to see if there was something more. It turns out the only thing we've really got in common is that we attend the same school. Different career paths, different people. I walked out thinking that this was a person who was definitely looking to be other places, but couldn't slow down long enough to spend some meaningful time. To be honest, I've met people like this, and I have a good friend who is like this as well. Part of me really hoped it was going to have something more, but it didn't, and that's all right. Well, it has to be, or the cops come knocking at the door. I would like to avoid that in the near future.

I've been bummed out for a few days. Some of it has not been all bad. I've been trying to think of how I feel, and it's something like this: I am disappointed, but also inspired. I realized that I focused a ton on something I didn't have much of a chance of getting and I neglected things I wanted to do. So, today I booked two plane flights and a hotel: one for a test I'm going to take for a job (with the hotel) and another to see my grandparents. These two trips take place on back-to-back weekends and I'm excited about both as escapes from the mundane of school. I'm going to see some old friends and see some places I've not seen in a long while. I'm really looking forward to that.

My initial response to this whole thing was "no one stands still long enough to talk to me, so you know what, I'm done with people and I give up." After thinking about it for a while, I realized that's a dumb statement. Yes, a lot of my friends in grad school have other lives going on concurrently and don't have a lot of time to hang out with me. But I've started noticing the people who do make time. I've got this good friend who lives in L.A. I have talked to her in spurts since I met her two years ago, but I've realized that she is the one person who knows me at my deepest core. I love her to death like a sister. She's stood by me at times when I couldn't even stand by myself. We've celebrated milestones in each others' lives and we've held each other up when the stuff's hit the fan. It's when I thought about her, and I've thought about the other friends I've got, that I've realized it's not always about the quantity of friends. I am not going to go on facebook and rack up 500 friends like a lot of people I know. But if there is one thing I know, it's about the quality of the people who you are true friends with. A good friend can be the difference between a good day and a bad day. They are the ones who will stop for a second.

It's after I thought about my friends I realized that even though I've been sick, coughing, physically hurting from coughing, mentally cramped up and wishing life would continue on, I'm not sure I'd change a lot in my life right now. Sure, there's always things we want to improve on. There are some tough pills to swallow. But I know there's things about me that always carry me through. And I'll do just that. I won't slow down. I'll make my own path, because that's my way, and I'll go with courage and faith, because as the late John Challis said, courage + believe= life.

How do you measure your life?

I woke up this morning and immediately thought about this question. My friend and I brought up the musical Rent last night, which is my favorite musical of all time. He hates all musicals, but I love a few select ones since I used to do theatre stuff.

Since it's the end of the year, it's time to take stock of where we were last year, where we are now, and how we can make ourselves better in the future. One of my favorite songs out of the musical, "Seasons of Love", asks the question "how do you measure a year?" They offer some suggestions, too: "In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee? In inches, in miles of laughter and strife?" I think the last one, in particular has the most meaning in it.

I've had quite a bit of strife over the past year. Family fights, fights with friends, a beloved pet moving on, conflicts of self, conflicts over my living situation, conflicts at work, and illness. The conflicts with self at times can be so overwhelming, they can stop me dead in my tracks.

But at the same time, there's been a ton of laughter to go along with it. For my entire undergraduate career, I was a very lonely person. Since I've come to graduate school, I've been a significantly less lonely person, communicating more with different people, going out more, and beginning to experience things I've never done. Some of the best memories I have are during the last year. Drinking out late with friends, watching some hockey, holding out a hand to someone in need, there's some things that brought the world's largest smile to my face and made me feel good, even if there were other things around me trying to do otherwise.

To me, these two things all ask one question together: how much of a person have you grown in one year? Well, I think I've grown quite a bit, even if at times it feels like I have a long way to go. The one thing I've worked hard on is developing a greater personal life, specifically a relationship. It wasn't long ago I was living in the midst of some actions others lay upon me that really hurt me and took away any confidence I had. I've worked very hard to work up the courage to ask a couple of people out. The first one I never asked out because I found out she had a boyfriend. The second one I asked out in a flurry of desperation and didn't realize she was engaged. The third person I've liked I am meeting in the next few days. I liked her from when I met her at school, but I couldn't do much at the time. I kept hoping to see her some time out of school at a social event, but she never came. Since that didn't work, I pulled the trigger myself.

I've realized how terrified I am of the whole thing. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what the other person is thinking. Fear of getting completely schlacked by someone else and stepping back. Those are some pretty tough things for me to deal with. However, I've realized one thing: I'm done being afraid. I've already taken some steps I probably wouldn't have one year ago. It's not easy to accept items we have no direct control over, but I'm learning to give up the need to control every little detail. I don't know how that will play out, but I can't keep worrying about things like I do.

If there's one thing I do control, it's myself. I will find a way to overcome my own fear. I know she doesn't have to be the end-all, be-all (although I'd love it if she was). It's more the act of moving past something I don't want to be anymore. And with that, I know no amount of fear can stop me. Everyone is scared of something. It's just a matter of what you do with your fear that makes the difference between success and failure.

So, back to the initial question: how do I measure my life? I would say I measure my life in strides to make myself a better person and improving the lives of the people around me. I don't say it with any ego, but I think I can say I measure pretty well in both of those aspects. In another year, I'd say that the sky is going to be the limit. Oh, and before I forget, here's the song I mentioned earlier. This version is from the motion picture version of Rent: