How do you measure your life?

I woke up this morning and immediately thought about this question. My friend and I brought up the musical Rent last night, which is my favorite musical of all time. He hates all musicals, but I love a few select ones since I used to do theatre stuff.

Since it's the end of the year, it's time to take stock of where we were last year, where we are now, and how we can make ourselves better in the future. One of my favorite songs out of the musical, "Seasons of Love", asks the question "how do you measure a year?" They offer some suggestions, too: "In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee? In inches, in miles of laughter and strife?" I think the last one, in particular has the most meaning in it.

I've had quite a bit of strife over the past year. Family fights, fights with friends, a beloved pet moving on, conflicts of self, conflicts over my living situation, conflicts at work, and illness. The conflicts with self at times can be so overwhelming, they can stop me dead in my tracks.

But at the same time, there's been a ton of laughter to go along with it. For my entire undergraduate career, I was a very lonely person. Since I've come to graduate school, I've been a significantly less lonely person, communicating more with different people, going out more, and beginning to experience things I've never done. Some of the best memories I have are during the last year. Drinking out late with friends, watching some hockey, holding out a hand to someone in need, there's some things that brought the world's largest smile to my face and made me feel good, even if there were other things around me trying to do otherwise.

To me, these two things all ask one question together: how much of a person have you grown in one year? Well, I think I've grown quite a bit, even if at times it feels like I have a long way to go. The one thing I've worked hard on is developing a greater personal life, specifically a relationship. It wasn't long ago I was living in the midst of some actions others lay upon me that really hurt me and took away any confidence I had. I've worked very hard to work up the courage to ask a couple of people out. The first one I never asked out because I found out she had a boyfriend. The second one I asked out in a flurry of desperation and didn't realize she was engaged. The third person I've liked I am meeting in the next few days. I liked her from when I met her at school, but I couldn't do much at the time. I kept hoping to see her some time out of school at a social event, but she never came. Since that didn't work, I pulled the trigger myself.

I've realized how terrified I am of the whole thing. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what the other person is thinking. Fear of getting completely schlacked by someone else and stepping back. Those are some pretty tough things for me to deal with. However, I've realized one thing: I'm done being afraid. I've already taken some steps I probably wouldn't have one year ago. It's not easy to accept items we have no direct control over, but I'm learning to give up the need to control every little detail. I don't know how that will play out, but I can't keep worrying about things like I do.

If there's one thing I do control, it's myself. I will find a way to overcome my own fear. I know she doesn't have to be the end-all, be-all (although I'd love it if she was). It's more the act of moving past something I don't want to be anymore. And with that, I know no amount of fear can stop me. Everyone is scared of something. It's just a matter of what you do with your fear that makes the difference between success and failure.

So, back to the initial question: how do I measure my life? I would say I measure my life in strides to make myself a better person and improving the lives of the people around me. I don't say it with any ego, but I think I can say I measure pretty well in both of those aspects. In another year, I'd say that the sky is going to be the limit. Oh, and before I forget, here's the song I mentioned earlier. This version is from the motion picture version of Rent: