Resilience

What is resilience?

As I sit home on Christmas Day with the family, I have forced myself to try and de-stress from everything going on. Searching for new employment. Anxiously awaiting a girl to settle in in Columbus so we can meet. Trying to heal from a surgery that was nine months ago. There is some good with the bad, but it is very stressful

I came home Friday night completely exhausted. I ached all over. I was congested. Tired. And I developed some sort of massive sore near my incision which thankfully two days is significantly healed, but still painful. I may be able to sit in a soft chair again,.but not without discomfort.

I feel quite exhausted. When trying to get ready for some of my hockey games this past season, I wondered how I would get through them. I love playing hockey so much. I feel eternally stressed and I feel like every time I take a step forward, I expect to go two steps back. I'm trying to do too much. I want too much in life. I have very high standards.

So, when I sit and think about everything, which I try as hard as I can not to, I remind myself I must stand taller than the rest. Progress has been made and my instincts tell me the dam is about to break. All I need to do is push just a little harder. Give it one more massive heave and all the awesome things I want will come into place.

That is what resilience is. It is about finding the strength to make that push. I have been living under a lot of stress since August. Through it all, though, I have found a way to say "I will." I will find new employment. I will find a woman who makes me very happy. I will finally put this surgery behind me. I will punch a hole so big in that dam that I will leave the people around me amazed.

That is the very definition of resilience- saying "I will" when all you want to say is "I can't."

I will.

Would you stop for a second?

I went out with her a few nights ago. It was just a dinner meet up, but I was using it as an opportunity to see if there was something more. It turns out the only thing we've really got in common is that we attend the same school. Different career paths, different people. I walked out thinking that this was a person who was definitely looking to be other places, but couldn't slow down long enough to spend some meaningful time. To be honest, I've met people like this, and I have a good friend who is like this as well. Part of me really hoped it was going to have something more, but it didn't, and that's all right. Well, it has to be, or the cops come knocking at the door. I would like to avoid that in the near future.

I've been bummed out for a few days. Some of it has not been all bad. I've been trying to think of how I feel, and it's something like this: I am disappointed, but also inspired. I realized that I focused a ton on something I didn't have much of a chance of getting and I neglected things I wanted to do. So, today I booked two plane flights and a hotel: one for a test I'm going to take for a job (with the hotel) and another to see my grandparents. These two trips take place on back-to-back weekends and I'm excited about both as escapes from the mundane of school. I'm going to see some old friends and see some places I've not seen in a long while. I'm really looking forward to that.

My initial response to this whole thing was "no one stands still long enough to talk to me, so you know what, I'm done with people and I give up." After thinking about it for a while, I realized that's a dumb statement. Yes, a lot of my friends in grad school have other lives going on concurrently and don't have a lot of time to hang out with me. But I've started noticing the people who do make time. I've got this good friend who lives in L.A. I have talked to her in spurts since I met her two years ago, but I've realized that she is the one person who knows me at my deepest core. I love her to death like a sister. She's stood by me at times when I couldn't even stand by myself. We've celebrated milestones in each others' lives and we've held each other up when the stuff's hit the fan. It's when I thought about her, and I've thought about the other friends I've got, that I've realized it's not always about the quantity of friends. I am not going to go on facebook and rack up 500 friends like a lot of people I know. But if there is one thing I know, it's about the quality of the people who you are true friends with. A good friend can be the difference between a good day and a bad day. They are the ones who will stop for a second.

It's after I thought about my friends I realized that even though I've been sick, coughing, physically hurting from coughing, mentally cramped up and wishing life would continue on, I'm not sure I'd change a lot in my life right now. Sure, there's always things we want to improve on. There are some tough pills to swallow. But I know there's things about me that always carry me through. And I'll do just that. I won't slow down. I'll make my own path, because that's my way, and I'll go with courage and faith, because as the late John Challis said, courage + believe= life.

How do you measure your life?

I woke up this morning and immediately thought about this question. My friend and I brought up the musical Rent last night, which is my favorite musical of all time. He hates all musicals, but I love a few select ones since I used to do theatre stuff.

Since it's the end of the year, it's time to take stock of where we were last year, where we are now, and how we can make ourselves better in the future. One of my favorite songs out of the musical, "Seasons of Love", asks the question "how do you measure a year?" They offer some suggestions, too: "In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee? In inches, in miles of laughter and strife?" I think the last one, in particular has the most meaning in it.

I've had quite a bit of strife over the past year. Family fights, fights with friends, a beloved pet moving on, conflicts of self, conflicts over my living situation, conflicts at work, and illness. The conflicts with self at times can be so overwhelming, they can stop me dead in my tracks.

But at the same time, there's been a ton of laughter to go along with it. For my entire undergraduate career, I was a very lonely person. Since I've come to graduate school, I've been a significantly less lonely person, communicating more with different people, going out more, and beginning to experience things I've never done. Some of the best memories I have are during the last year. Drinking out late with friends, watching some hockey, holding out a hand to someone in need, there's some things that brought the world's largest smile to my face and made me feel good, even if there were other things around me trying to do otherwise.

To me, these two things all ask one question together: how much of a person have you grown in one year? Well, I think I've grown quite a bit, even if at times it feels like I have a long way to go. The one thing I've worked hard on is developing a greater personal life, specifically a relationship. It wasn't long ago I was living in the midst of some actions others lay upon me that really hurt me and took away any confidence I had. I've worked very hard to work up the courage to ask a couple of people out. The first one I never asked out because I found out she had a boyfriend. The second one I asked out in a flurry of desperation and didn't realize she was engaged. The third person I've liked I am meeting in the next few days. I liked her from when I met her at school, but I couldn't do much at the time. I kept hoping to see her some time out of school at a social event, but she never came. Since that didn't work, I pulled the trigger myself.

I've realized how terrified I am of the whole thing. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what the other person is thinking. Fear of getting completely schlacked by someone else and stepping back. Those are some pretty tough things for me to deal with. However, I've realized one thing: I'm done being afraid. I've already taken some steps I probably wouldn't have one year ago. It's not easy to accept items we have no direct control over, but I'm learning to give up the need to control every little detail. I don't know how that will play out, but I can't keep worrying about things like I do.

If there's one thing I do control, it's myself. I will find a way to overcome my own fear. I know she doesn't have to be the end-all, be-all (although I'd love it if she was). It's more the act of moving past something I don't want to be anymore. And with that, I know no amount of fear can stop me. Everyone is scared of something. It's just a matter of what you do with your fear that makes the difference between success and failure.

So, back to the initial question: how do I measure my life? I would say I measure my life in strides to make myself a better person and improving the lives of the people around me. I don't say it with any ego, but I think I can say I measure pretty well in both of those aspects. In another year, I'd say that the sky is going to be the limit. Oh, and before I forget, here's the song I mentioned earlier. This version is from the motion picture version of Rent:

Defying Ordinary

Defy Ordinary. It's the slogan this year of my Pittsburgh Penguins. Since I get NHL Gamecenter, I do watch the Penguins a lot on FSN Pittsburgh. One of the ad campaigns they do on there is with certain players stating how they define ordinary. Usually what follows is a highlight reel of the things they do. I was at school reading ESPN.com's NHL page when I came across this article by Scott Burnside about former St. Louis Blues GM Larry Bleau: It's an amazing story about Wendy Bleau, his wife's struggle with cancer. During this time, Larry leaned on his employer, and the players, fans, staff grabbed his hand and his wife's hand and pulled them back up on their feet. She went from being stuck in a hospital bed and unable to move to living a somewhat normal life. And if you read the article, you will truly be touched.

But it got me thinking about my life and reminded me of a similar incident. In May, a good friend of mine had shoulder surgery a few weeks before. It was during the time I was heavily invested in the Penguins and the playoffs, and he was constantly sending facebook comments and asking me about the Penguins. Towards the end of the conference finals and in to the Stanley Cup Finals, I was hoping to go over to his place and enjoy something I like and that he was asking about. Give him something else to do besides think about his shoulder. He'd been bed-ridden for a while and was stuck in his house with limited movement. I was glad that during the Cup Finals for Game 3, I got to go over to his place with a friend of mine. I remember when we got to the door, his face lit up like he'd just won a million bucks. We brought some pizza with us, which was perfect because he could eat it with one hand. It was obvious he'd been stuck home alone a long time, even with his girlfriend and other friends helping him. I was personally glad that I got to spend time with him watching something I love. I am not sure if he cared a lot about the game, but to be honest, I don't think it mattered that much. I think that as a human being, it was one of my defining moments, and here's why.

We, as people, are very self-absorbed. If you want evidence, go to a public place. A mall, a restaurant, a public park, anywhere. You'll notice one thing- everyone's got their head down, pushing on, and so often people look as if they are just hurrying along to the next place. You stop and wonder sometimes- does anyone stop and smile, maybe look around and enjoy life a bit? Yeah, I know what it's like to be in a hurry. I was the last few weeks working on my thesis. But it never hurts to look up and smile and say "hi" or say "thanks." If you are at work and you have people over or under you, say something nice. Tell someone they are doing a good job. Defy ordinary. It doesn't take much to turn someone's day around.

I've made it my new purpose to defy ordinary this way at least once. Today I went ice skating and I saw an old woman who was heading off that I didn't know and said hi. It was amazing to see her light up.It's those little things we should try and bring out in the others around us. So, I implore you as I hope to. You don't have to change the world or reinvent the wheel or blaze a new path. Just do something simple. Just defy ordinary.

To Question With Boldness... or Die

I've been away from blogging a long while. School tends to knock you down several pegs and take away your motivation to write anything when you have two massive papers to write. But some things have prompted me to write an entry. A lot of it is centered about things people have told me, a lot of them I found negative, even if done in a joking or helpful tone. And some of it is just plain strange.

I learned one thing in spending over a year in the grad school program I attend: I am a very rare person. I don't think like any of my peers or my professors. In fact, I have found absolutely no one who thinks like I do. And I'm not sure why. Most of the people in my school lean left. They all tend to favor a couple of things: political correctness, conformity, and a nice stepping in line. When I wasn't impressed with President Obama's inauguration, I was told "this is history!" during a viewing event inside of my school. I said, "yeah, I suppose it is, but this is just a ceremony. The real history is to be made down the road." There is something impressive about being the first African-American president ever. I'm not taking that away from him. However, I think that the stimulus package, the health care reform plan, the bailouts, the wars, are infinitely more important issues than some symbolic milestone, don't you?

But there's a constant pressure in society to conform, even though we say the opposite. In class one day about two months ago, we examined a student's paper. During that class, most people gave negative comments. I wanted to say something positive, and I said a comment akin to "I know this paper's bad, but I liked the way he knows his topic very well." One of my friends (who's probably reading this right now and knows who he is) promptly after class told me I have no filter. At first I was like, "yeah, okay, whatever" but it started eating at me. I don't tend to take insults very well because as a kid, I was heavily made fun of. I still struggle with it at times, even when it's completely in a joking manner. A few weeks later when we were hanging out, he brought it up again. I was having a good time and relaxing up until that point, but when he said it, it flipped a switch. I stopped having fun. I didn't want to be there. I found it almost frustrating someone would say something I took offense to. I guess I can be placed at fault for not saying anything about it, but I did vow if he brought it up again (he'd only said it twice) that I would put a stop to it. He never did, but I use this example to make a point: it's all about staying within the lines in our society. There's no way you can step outside of them, or whether jokingly or not, someone will take a shot at you.

But it doesn't stop with just staying in line. It's also about never questioning. I have changed jobs and I work for a state agency now. I was assigned a project and during the initial project meeting, we were told the project we were working on was to look up business addresses for a project that originally an entirely different agency had jurisdiction on. When they asked for questions, no one asked anything about how or why we are working on this. So, I put up my hand and asked why the other agency didn't have what we were about to work on. One of the staffers in the room chuckled and another provided a very politically correct response. I walked back somewhat amused at the time, now mortified.

I had the same feeling when I was in a class and was being lectured to by a member of a federal agency that will go unnamed. During this class, he was telling us the agency's strategy regarding a specific issue. I proceeded to call him out on what I thought was a major whole in his strategy... and got more wishy washy B.S. Since I was not in a public policy class and was in another department, I wasn't going to press the policy problem and just listened to the rest. But it was one of those moments where logic breaks down, and when questioned, the speaker stepped back. To be clear,

In one final example, I challenged my school on a speaker who is coming to my graduate program to talk to students about career opportunities in national intelligence. They set an informal dinner with him in which the student paid his own food expense. Fine on the expenses, but one major problem: they set it during the second year students' class time at 6 PM (class starts at 5:30). I challenged this and was told by both my student government president and the second in command at my program that "he graciously offered this time and we aren't changing it." Well, if the situation was explained to him, and he is as gracious as they say, wouldn't it be worth considering moving it a few hours back to make more students, particularly the ones about to graduate in six months, available to him? I don't know why, but no one agreed with me. I doubt anyone's going to, to be honest. I will say as a counterpoint, he may be leaving to go somewhere else. The man coming is a retired vice admiral and is likely moving on tonight or tomorrow. But even if the school provided that as justification, that would've been better than the "he just donated this time" statement.

I lied when I said that was the last one. This final one really, really gets to me. I currently serve my local community and my student population by serving on a city government commission that meets in the evenings. I consider this a very important position, one I do with great pride and I think I've helped change a lot of minds about certain issues. However, my school places classes during my meetings, forcing me into a conundrum: do I serve, or do I go to class? These meetings are once a month, but very important. Tonight, we have an issue on the table I consider highly important and the effects of my absence could hurt the local area. To which am I more appropriately bound: my service, or my class? Saying I go to a school that is dedicated to service, I find the fact that they will not accommidate my service hypocritical. Some would argue I haven't placed any options on the table, so they have nothing to work with. I asked the school if there's something we could come up with. I got an answer of "we aren't moving the classes, I see no other option, and I'm sorry that's not the answer you are looking for." All I know is they will either respect my service, or they will soon be listening to it from someone higher up. My school's motto is "inspiring citizenship, developing leadership." I'll leave you to insert some witty remark here.

Maybe I'm crazy for thinking everyone just wants you to step in line and shut up. Maybe this is all a paradigm I've made so that I've got something to always fight against. I don't believe it is, though. I'm refusing to sit down and simply be counted. It's way too easy to do that. It's much harder to speak what's on your mind. It's even harder to act against the current. But I will do both. I don't plan to retreat. Glenn Beck has a saying, which is "question with boldness." I am going to do just that. I'd rather be dead than forcibly stand in line.

And if you think I've taken this too far, or that I'm fighting a losing war, then fine. You think that. Have fun. Meanwhile, I'm going to make this world better than the way it was when I was born. You can either stand up and follow me, or you can stay in line. Your call.

Work strikes again!

Two strange work events in two days! I got another one to share with you, from the mouth of your writer, John Henry Eden, straight to your heart.

While at work today, someone came in to sound the note for a staff meeting to happen immediately. So, two employees went around to the two different areas of our office, telling everyone to report to this staff meeting for everyone. After we are all gathered, the big kahuna (not the guy from yesterday, someone bigger) informs us that after someone purchased a cake for a departing employee, several knives were found placed in each of the men's and women's restrooms on each side of the office (total of four knives placed). As a result of this incident, the police were called in and presented their suggestions. In addition, they announced a policy to everyone that there will no longer be knives placed in the kitchen area of the office.

Now, a couple of things. First, what the heck? Someone really thought it'd be cool to take some knives and place them in the restrooms? What kind of prank is that? (Note: it was NOT me. I don't like my job, but I'm not that disgruntled).

Second, why are the police called in here? No one was harmed. Nothing bad happened. It's strange, to be sure, but the police are being called in here? Come on.

Third, we're going to ban knives? Are we all suddenly five, completely incapable of handling sharp objects lest we get stabbed through the cheeks and are forced to suck food through a straw for weeks? Until someone gets assaulted, consider it a prank.

Goes to show you, people these days are too reactive, too politically correct, and too afraid to just say what needs said. And as my blog I hope demonstrates, I am a victim of this environment.

Work sucks

So, I haven't written for a while, but I figure I'd write about an experience I had at work today. Now, to protect the parties involved, I will never reveal the following information on here:

1. Where I work (it's a state government entity, but that is as specific as I will get.)
2. The names of anyone involved (positions, somewhat.)
3. What I do (I will speak in generalities.)

The reasons to protect are so that this won't publicly ridicule anyone. This will not stop someone who works there and knows the intimate details from understanding exactly what is going on, but it will not let someone from the outside know. Way too much disclaiming? Sure, but I got to protect, right?

So, I was at work today, and what I do at work is scan files into a database. That's all I do. I take directions on how to scan files, and I operate in the way my boss asks me to.

About eight weeks ago, he asked me to scan in two new sets of files before I scanned in older ones, since they are likely to use the newer ones first. After a couple weeks and a meeting with him regarding this work, he stated that I was doing extra, unnecessary work by scanning both and wanted just one set in. So, naturally, I complied and I finished this part of the task and continued on.

Fast forward to today. I was working on another database maintenance task, my boss approaches my desk and wants to show me something. With the database not working right (typical), I could not view what he wanted so I just asked him to explain what he wanted. He asked me if I had scanned in the paper type he was holding. I had not, as from what he told me when we were talking last time, I was giving myself too much work. So, I just made sure one copy was in there, as was his instruction. Or so I thought.

After telling him this, he gives me this dumfounded look, then stating that "we obviously have our signals crossed." I then told him I'd look at what needed done and I'd give him an assessment on how long it would take. After that, he returned to whatever he does while working (my functions are disconnected from the rest of the department he runs).

What I gave you is basically what happened. There was no recollection by him of what he told me. None. All we had was what I remembered. I think that if you want to lead a department, you want to have people under you, you need to remember what you are instructing people. This comes from a guy who seems intent to not communicate at all and when communication is required, he seems dumbfounded that there are mistakes. Since I do not feel a need to take initiative or can have my initiative awarded (last time I tried, I was met with a chastising rebuke), I just let it all go.

Piece of advice: don't get stuck in a job you don't like. Have a way out. I had a couple of chances, and I failed to convert my opportunities. With one coming up in a few weeks, I know this chance has a lot riding on it, particularly my long-term happiness.