Would you stop for a second?

I went out with her a few nights ago. It was just a dinner meet up, but I was using it as an opportunity to see if there was something more. It turns out the only thing we've really got in common is that we attend the same school. Different career paths, different people. I walked out thinking that this was a person who was definitely looking to be other places, but couldn't slow down long enough to spend some meaningful time. To be honest, I've met people like this, and I have a good friend who is like this as well. Part of me really hoped it was going to have something more, but it didn't, and that's all right. Well, it has to be, or the cops come knocking at the door. I would like to avoid that in the near future.

I've been bummed out for a few days. Some of it has not been all bad. I've been trying to think of how I feel, and it's something like this: I am disappointed, but also inspired. I realized that I focused a ton on something I didn't have much of a chance of getting and I neglected things I wanted to do. So, today I booked two plane flights and a hotel: one for a test I'm going to take for a job (with the hotel) and another to see my grandparents. These two trips take place on back-to-back weekends and I'm excited about both as escapes from the mundane of school. I'm going to see some old friends and see some places I've not seen in a long while. I'm really looking forward to that.

My initial response to this whole thing was "no one stands still long enough to talk to me, so you know what, I'm done with people and I give up." After thinking about it for a while, I realized that's a dumb statement. Yes, a lot of my friends in grad school have other lives going on concurrently and don't have a lot of time to hang out with me. But I've started noticing the people who do make time. I've got this good friend who lives in L.A. I have talked to her in spurts since I met her two years ago, but I've realized that she is the one person who knows me at my deepest core. I love her to death like a sister. She's stood by me at times when I couldn't even stand by myself. We've celebrated milestones in each others' lives and we've held each other up when the stuff's hit the fan. It's when I thought about her, and I've thought about the other friends I've got, that I've realized it's not always about the quantity of friends. I am not going to go on facebook and rack up 500 friends like a lot of people I know. But if there is one thing I know, it's about the quality of the people who you are true friends with. A good friend can be the difference between a good day and a bad day. They are the ones who will stop for a second.

It's after I thought about my friends I realized that even though I've been sick, coughing, physically hurting from coughing, mentally cramped up and wishing life would continue on, I'm not sure I'd change a lot in my life right now. Sure, there's always things we want to improve on. There are some tough pills to swallow. But I know there's things about me that always carry me through. And I'll do just that. I won't slow down. I'll make my own path, because that's my way, and I'll go with courage and faith, because as the late John Challis said, courage + believe= life.

How do you measure your life?

I woke up this morning and immediately thought about this question. My friend and I brought up the musical Rent last night, which is my favorite musical of all time. He hates all musicals, but I love a few select ones since I used to do theatre stuff.

Since it's the end of the year, it's time to take stock of where we were last year, where we are now, and how we can make ourselves better in the future. One of my favorite songs out of the musical, "Seasons of Love", asks the question "how do you measure a year?" They offer some suggestions, too: "In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee? In inches, in miles of laughter and strife?" I think the last one, in particular has the most meaning in it.

I've had quite a bit of strife over the past year. Family fights, fights with friends, a beloved pet moving on, conflicts of self, conflicts over my living situation, conflicts at work, and illness. The conflicts with self at times can be so overwhelming, they can stop me dead in my tracks.

But at the same time, there's been a ton of laughter to go along with it. For my entire undergraduate career, I was a very lonely person. Since I've come to graduate school, I've been a significantly less lonely person, communicating more with different people, going out more, and beginning to experience things I've never done. Some of the best memories I have are during the last year. Drinking out late with friends, watching some hockey, holding out a hand to someone in need, there's some things that brought the world's largest smile to my face and made me feel good, even if there were other things around me trying to do otherwise.

To me, these two things all ask one question together: how much of a person have you grown in one year? Well, I think I've grown quite a bit, even if at times it feels like I have a long way to go. The one thing I've worked hard on is developing a greater personal life, specifically a relationship. It wasn't long ago I was living in the midst of some actions others lay upon me that really hurt me and took away any confidence I had. I've worked very hard to work up the courage to ask a couple of people out. The first one I never asked out because I found out she had a boyfriend. The second one I asked out in a flurry of desperation and didn't realize she was engaged. The third person I've liked I am meeting in the next few days. I liked her from when I met her at school, but I couldn't do much at the time. I kept hoping to see her some time out of school at a social event, but she never came. Since that didn't work, I pulled the trigger myself.

I've realized how terrified I am of the whole thing. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what the other person is thinking. Fear of getting completely schlacked by someone else and stepping back. Those are some pretty tough things for me to deal with. However, I've realized one thing: I'm done being afraid. I've already taken some steps I probably wouldn't have one year ago. It's not easy to accept items we have no direct control over, but I'm learning to give up the need to control every little detail. I don't know how that will play out, but I can't keep worrying about things like I do.

If there's one thing I do control, it's myself. I will find a way to overcome my own fear. I know she doesn't have to be the end-all, be-all (although I'd love it if she was). It's more the act of moving past something I don't want to be anymore. And with that, I know no amount of fear can stop me. Everyone is scared of something. It's just a matter of what you do with your fear that makes the difference between success and failure.

So, back to the initial question: how do I measure my life? I would say I measure my life in strides to make myself a better person and improving the lives of the people around me. I don't say it with any ego, but I think I can say I measure pretty well in both of those aspects. In another year, I'd say that the sky is going to be the limit. Oh, and before I forget, here's the song I mentioned earlier. This version is from the motion picture version of Rent:

Defying Ordinary

Defy Ordinary. It's the slogan this year of my Pittsburgh Penguins. Since I get NHL Gamecenter, I do watch the Penguins a lot on FSN Pittsburgh. One of the ad campaigns they do on there is with certain players stating how they define ordinary. Usually what follows is a highlight reel of the things they do. I was at school reading ESPN.com's NHL page when I came across this article by Scott Burnside about former St. Louis Blues GM Larry Bleau: It's an amazing story about Wendy Bleau, his wife's struggle with cancer. During this time, Larry leaned on his employer, and the players, fans, staff grabbed his hand and his wife's hand and pulled them back up on their feet. She went from being stuck in a hospital bed and unable to move to living a somewhat normal life. And if you read the article, you will truly be touched.

But it got me thinking about my life and reminded me of a similar incident. In May, a good friend of mine had shoulder surgery a few weeks before. It was during the time I was heavily invested in the Penguins and the playoffs, and he was constantly sending facebook comments and asking me about the Penguins. Towards the end of the conference finals and in to the Stanley Cup Finals, I was hoping to go over to his place and enjoy something I like and that he was asking about. Give him something else to do besides think about his shoulder. He'd been bed-ridden for a while and was stuck in his house with limited movement. I was glad that during the Cup Finals for Game 3, I got to go over to his place with a friend of mine. I remember when we got to the door, his face lit up like he'd just won a million bucks. We brought some pizza with us, which was perfect because he could eat it with one hand. It was obvious he'd been stuck home alone a long time, even with his girlfriend and other friends helping him. I was personally glad that I got to spend time with him watching something I love. I am not sure if he cared a lot about the game, but to be honest, I don't think it mattered that much. I think that as a human being, it was one of my defining moments, and here's why.

We, as people, are very self-absorbed. If you want evidence, go to a public place. A mall, a restaurant, a public park, anywhere. You'll notice one thing- everyone's got their head down, pushing on, and so often people look as if they are just hurrying along to the next place. You stop and wonder sometimes- does anyone stop and smile, maybe look around and enjoy life a bit? Yeah, I know what it's like to be in a hurry. I was the last few weeks working on my thesis. But it never hurts to look up and smile and say "hi" or say "thanks." If you are at work and you have people over or under you, say something nice. Tell someone they are doing a good job. Defy ordinary. It doesn't take much to turn someone's day around.

I've made it my new purpose to defy ordinary this way at least once. Today I went ice skating and I saw an old woman who was heading off that I didn't know and said hi. It was amazing to see her light up.It's those little things we should try and bring out in the others around us. So, I implore you as I hope to. You don't have to change the world or reinvent the wheel or blaze a new path. Just do something simple. Just defy ordinary.