This isn't dead!

In the famous words of Arnold, "I'm back!" Well, not truly gone, but school and finals tends to mean I don't type much. Well, now that we're done for a little while, let's write on some random subjects.

Do you know that feeling of futility? You know, the one where you have several things going on and all you want to do is to fix them, but nothing seems to work? I have been having two of those bouts with futility, where it feels like even your best efforts end in failures.

I've had an imperfection in the way I walk that's existed for about four years, which is the earliest I can remember. Since then, I've had somewhat chronic back trouble, but it always gets alleviated after some chiropractor visits. When my knee started acting up about eight months ago, I figured I'd sprained it again, since I had sprained my knee about two months prior. Now, I have more pain than just my knee. It turns out my knee, my it band, and my back are all part of an interconnected puzzle that is very problematic. I've been dealing with it so long, it feels as if I can never get better. I'm hoping that since my doctor and my physical therapist believe they've localized the problem, I can maybe get back on my feet soon and to one hundred percent. When it's been so long, you just feel like you can't get better. It's hard to get positive and work hard because you think it will all be for naught. I'm determined to not end a self-fulfilling prophecy, though.

Then there's the girl I've had an on and off interest going during this year. The first time I had a good conversation with her, I thought she was interesting, but I wasn't that enthralled. Slowly over the course of the year, I started feeling more and more attracted towards her. Since I interacted with her semi-regularly at school, she and I became one step past acquiantences, but that's as far as it went. I always looked for an opportunity to open things up higher. Of course, waiting for your chances, as I've learned, is a futile strategy. With too little time left, I tried to turn up the heat, and I think she responded somewhat positively to it. Last Saturday, as I attended the pre-commencement to wish some friends well in their endeavors, she was one of the graduates. I talked to her briefly as she spotted me and I talked to her parents and wished her well. After that conversation, I went home and recoiled at a lost opportunity. While talking to a friend about it, he told me to go after it now. In a final act of desperation, I sent an e-mail asking her if she'd like to go out sometime. I'm pretty sure it will either go unanswered, as it's been almost 48 hours now. I suppose there's always hope, but I just can't seem to find the hope in this situation.

So, onward I go. I'm trying my best to get better. My physical therapist tonight is trying soft-tissue treatments instead of full exercise treatments because they did not solve the problem. My only hope is that these are successful enough to eradicate most of my troubles. Since this is only my second treatment, I have noticed some improvement, but whether it can be sustained is another question. As for her, well... we'll just have to wait and see, but I'm not keeping my hopes up. And if you may possibly know her and wondering why I didn't give her name... I didn't.

But even through all this, I've only got four words left in my vocabulary: no retreat, no surrender. I will get better, I will grow, I will be stronger. Mark my words.